“Christmas is a-coming” I cried as I whooshed up the mountainsides. “So what?” thundered Zeus in reply. “It ain’t naught to do with us.” You can’t argue with Zeus. These days, it seems that discussion and reason aren’t greatly valued at any level of society. What a decline there’s been since the heyday of the agora, no doubt all the fault of the Roman Empire. Anyway, come wind or thunderbolts, I’ve taken it on myself to look for a few presents for my close friends who, week after week, inspire my scribblings. Not that I found much on Mount Olympos so I had to leg it, metaphorically speaking, to Bagatelle, where I found there was no room to park my chariot. So I nipped round to my corner shop, which is always kind enough to reserve a daily supply of ambrosia for me, although it might be better if they could wrap it up in something other than Le Canard enchaîné, as it tends to leak.

 What, however, do you give people who’ve already acquired everything they need and more? For Madame Speaker, a mace seemed an inspired idea until Olympos Living Dictionaries told me it’s the tradename for an irritant chemical used in an aerosol to disable attackers. Even after 2,500 years you learn something new every day. In the end, I had to settle for a nice box of biscuits. As it’s the kind of gift some turn to as a last resort, I just hope she hasn’t got too many of them. However, to make it easier for her to deal with Hon Bagwhan, he’s going to get a fine bottle of Famous Grouse. After all, the obvious gift for spirits like me to come bearing is liquor, even if wise men carried gold, incense and myrrh. My dear friends have got enough gold already and myrrh seems out of stock like many of the special offers merchants advertise.

 I also spied a bottle of Red Label, which I reckon my doctor friend may find more useful than yet another CD of Spanish dance music. As for his sidekick, I couldn’t resist a special offer of three packets of macaroni for the price of two, although he might find it more useful if I could offer him honorary membership of a certain welfare association. My local store also had a stock of Blue Label, which made things easy as far as the Valley clan’s concerned, although I felt it wise to purchase a case as well as a breathalyser so unfortunate incidents can be avoided.

 For La Caverne, although I was offered a second-hand shirt from Carreau Lalianne, I felt a bag of oranges might be better received, although it didn’t seem very generous. I did consider ordering a new kitchen but, when I saw the price, I wrapped up two bags of oranges instead and added a carton of lemon juice the shopkeeper has given me as he’s been unable to offload it. At least choosing a present for Nando was easy. Trainsets used to be one of the favourite presents for young lads, even if it was quite often the fathers who ended up playing with them. I bought a manual set as I’m less confident about the elecwtricity supply than my dearest friend Ivan, to whom I’m delivering a box of scented candles just in case the CEB system blows up when he’s cooking his Christmas lunch. That’s not a comment on the electricity supply as blackouts are as often caused by wretched fruit bats falling asleep on electricity cables after they’ve gorged themselves full of nectar nicked from my larder.

 As he can’t find any, I managed to source a few doses of synthetic drugs for Anil by lurking in front of the school gates shortly after the exams. They were fortunately much cheaper than the real thing. Meanwhile Danielle has in a sense stood out this year so I’m offering her a free manicure and pedicure at a high-class beauty salon although, if she also wants a cut and brush, she’ll have to pay for it herself as I can’t afford it. At least I could think of something she might appreciate, but all I could find for the Emir was a bucket and spade. I have found a nice tea cosy, but I’d rather give that to my pote Paul.

There are various politicos whom I thought might enjoy a Monopoly set, which seems still popular even in this digital age, perhaps because of the get-out-of-jail-free cards. For everyone else, it’ll have to be bottles of Goodwill, the answer to all our problems. Let’s hope there’ll be plenty of it around next week – and in the year to come…