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To The Minster of Agro-Plus: The Hon. Mahen Kumar Seeruttun

10 novembre 2018, 08:12

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Over-population is a global problem but, even if there’ll only be 950,000 people and 100 bats here by 2050, as Mauritius tops all the rankings, it could again lead with solutions. Farmers are already doing a great job with the overuse of pesticides and antibiotics but medics could do more. Given the state of hospitals – filthy toilets and dirty wards, lousy beds and defective equipment and medical staff (bon marché coûte cher) – Dr A could give up trying to bring in the odd reform.

Meanwhile, culling is a great solution but could be taken much further. Nando could do a U-turn and encourage road accidents. In theory the carnage should be spectacular and there’d be no need for new roads. Unfortunately, as Mauritians hate being ordered about, being told to wreak havoc might make then drive more carefully. Instead, government could exploit ethnic prejudices by banning white sugar and encouraging the use of brown. People won’t notice their tea tastes odd until too late. But don’t legalise gandia as it doesn’t kill anyone.

Government could also lay out the red carpet for experienced cullers from Syria and Burma, along with representatives from IS and the Taliban. You’d just have to ignore any opposition from religious and animal activists seeking to grow their flocks. If all else fails, The Donald may well come to the rescue by accelerating the arms race, although yet again there’d be an undesirable side-effect as the Underworld would have no room left for newcomers as Hades has a poor exit system, rather like nightclubs.

As you won’t want anyone to be agacé, you’ll be wondering if there’s a way round the population problem that won’t offend the squeamish – although Zeus knows why when you consider what mortals have done to the planet. As more births are needed to supply the workforce to accelerate economic growth and wealth, it’s surely time to work out how to live with less: fewer people, new clothes only once a week and new mobiles only once a month.

But there’s a very simple wheeze that’s much more humane than culling: alternative relationships – although they might disrupt a family structure that has proven rather useful as a basis for society. Nonetheless, reports suggest a number of religious dignitaries will be keen to take youngsters under their wings and explain Pausanias’ concept of celestial love which favours affairs between younger and older men. Unfortunately, some perverted religios seem to prefer young ladies, so Government could take UN thinking further and ban intimacy with women until they’re 21 – by when they’ll be properly educated and their bodies less fertile.

It won’t matter if some people choose to be straight as the aim isn’t to wipe out mortals but to stop them wiping out themselves. The feel-good factor will rise as most people will be having a gay old time. As there’ll soon be a million tourists a week, old people can remain active by entertaining guests with home cooking. It will also mean pensions won’t need to rise.

While such progressive ideas may give rise to heart attacks amongst antediluvian elements within society, that too will help the statistics and must be better than the logical answer of wiping out the countries with the largest populations – although that would have the attraction of never to have repay our debts. Of course, presuming they’re aware there’s a potential problem, it would be splendid if you and your colleagues had any better solutions. Politicos, however, tend to be short-sighted – after all, there’s still time to hold the next elections before the demise of the planet.