To the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom The Rt Hon Theresa May

Avec le soutien de

As you studied Geography, you’ll know where Greece is but Mauritius may mean nothing to you, and what Epi’s doing here even less. I’m an ancient spirit (the non-Scotch kind) trying to waft around a little wisdom and thoughtfulness. Incidentally, you might take in Greece or Mauritius on your next hiking holiday. They’re both beautiful. Anyway, to start with and to escape your current madhouses, you and our PM could do a swap. It wouldn’t be all that difficult as our Assembly is modelled on Westminster – although it more often resembles children’s playground fights. At least UK politicos have Brexit to fight about; not that Remainers seem to be fighting very effectively. Is your princely Philip the only remaining bulwark against Brexit? Here, it’s mostly about personalities and people positioning themselves for the next election. Bizarrely, opponents routinely declare elections are around the corner as soon as the votes of the previous one have been declared.

Our two countries are similar in so many ways. Rather like Mauritians, Brits have an insular view of the world whilst believing others should support them for being so wonderful. In both countries, people complain about immigrant workers taking their jobs, when the reality is immigrants work harder than they do and generally perform better. Like us, you’re also shuffling around a lot as ministers are falling like flies. We do have a slight disagreement over the Chagos archipelago but Dear Boris promised some time back to sort this out in the way good friends do. Mind you, with friends like him, who needs enemies? We had a similar loose cannon but he had to step down after one mistake too many. Now there’s a thought...

However, there’s general disappointment about how you’re handling the EU issue. You’ve even started becoming economical with the truth, our local speciality. You claim a clear majority voted to leave the EU. Let’s stop pretending - 4% was a narrow victory. What the majority of Brits could agree on is a reformed EU, an option you seem unwilling to negotiate. Brexit means Brexit? Surely it’s obvious by now it means social and financial ruin? Some won’t mind being less well-off as many Leavers are too old to care about the future. Or aren’t terribly keen on foreigners. Those who never wanted to be Europeans won’t be satisfied whatever you do, so forget about them. Like our communalists, they won’t be easy to dispose of but they’re as much part of the past as King Canute. Meanwhile, what are all the negotiations costing? Surely the Treasury must have worked out a figure for the nugatory expenditure involved?

The only image Britain currently evokes is of a once great power falling off a cliff (near Dover or wherever) and committing suicide, which is contrary to your Christian tenets. Mauritius thinks it’s the Tiger of the Indian Ocean but our variety dines on British tourists. As both are facing extinction, what will we become? Puppies, once again in the hands of the French? Or others.

But if we can help in any way, do let us know. For example, our Audit Office could do a better job than Brussels in highlighting EU financial irregularities and we’re keen to export our services sector. Meanwhile, Britain seems to have dropped Great from its title and it may be time to seek the same status as Mauritius – that of a small island nation.

Your humble and obedient servant,
Epi PHRON

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