Dear Minister: To Any Admirable Parents

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“Fast away the Old Year passes”, so a few more notes, now and next week, designed to encourage staff to do better next term.

Head of Biology and Health Studies. Has the rare advantage of in-depth knowledge of his subject. Good at fieldwork but now needs to work on his department’s complete restructuring. Many senior staff were recruited despite little operational training and better use needs to be made of the existing facilities around the grounds.

Head of Arts and Culture. Like his predecessors, the incumbent confuses his role with Religious Studies. Not helped by the department’s lack of imaginative and creative minds. A complete rethink is needed – the new Arts Fund may be a step in the right direction.

Head of Eco-Studies. Always has his word to say at parents’ evenings and happy to have another important post. However, the essays written by pupils on pension and environmental reforms, often aided by you parents, seem to have gone unmarked. A field visit to the Citadelle might provide some inspiration.

Head of Agricultural Studies. Often seen to be beetling away and more adept in his field than many of his colleagues. Generally sound progress but can be susceptible to placating parental interests. Pesticides in particular are still overused in La School’s vegetable patches and more urgent action is needed.

Head of Commerce. Has a strong personality and seems keen to participate in debates, but the department’s exam results may be disappointing unless he develops a more gung-ho approach.

Head of Legal Studies. Having only recently been appointed following his predecessor’s summary dismissal for alleged malpractice, has been put on a short-term contract, although it may need to be extended. May opt for a low profile but, given his interest in social justice, he would be well advised to tackle the establishment’s widespread prostitution of the police and judicial systems – and archaic rules and regulations.

Head of Physical Education. A refreshing face in the senior staff room, who has shown that qualifications aren’t everything. Takes a personal interest in most sports but is hampered by a departmental team that doesn’t understand fair play and too many parents involved in sporting bodies putting personal interests first. A vast clean-out is needed.

Head of Business Studies. One of the main subsections was full of non-performing staff. Should ignore small and even medium-sized protests and ensure everyone cooperates, otherwise his post may be merged with Commerce, an obvious rationalisation of resources.

Bursar. Always calm and seemingly level-headed, has occupied a number of posts but has yet to dive into his latest assignment and seems content to splash around at the edges. A Marshall Plan was talked about to help needy pupils, but may have been dropped for all that anybody knows – or seems to care.

Head of Ocean Studies. An affable colleague but remains a bit of a dark horse and has tended to set off slowly from the starting stalls. Apart from handing out fishy licences, he clearly finds the going hard. Enjoys dabbling with octopodes but otherwise decision-making needs to be speeded up. More in-depth activity may help – otherwise the department could struggle come exam-time.

School Counsellor. Has good negotiating skills and helped to sort out a few problems amongst squabbling students. Should stand firm against parents’ unrealistic demands – while you parents need to think what most benefits your children in the long run. It’s no use handing out more pocket money if you can’t afford it.

 Seasonal greetings, con amore as always.

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