To The Prime Minister: The Hon Pravind Kumar Jugnauth

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When Zeus sent me here, he laughably proclaimed, Epi, off you go to Wonderland. Instead I found Cloud Cuckoo Land. I don’t think he realised how a little more wisdom, thoughtfulness and prudence (WT&P) might be needed. He recently threatened to move me to Washington but quickly realised that he who twitters a load of old cobblers is unlikely to heed a spirit from ancient times.

Mind you, you encounter plenty of old cobblers here. Incidentally, the phrase has nothing directly to do with shoemakers but is Cockney rhyming slang. What rhymes with awls, used by cobblers to pierce holes in leather? Balls, which make me think of games MPs play. I knew MPs enjoy Cops and Robbers but hadn’t expected Musical Chairs to be quite so popular.

The current noise suggests people don’t understand the aim of the Westminster system, to provide stable government – hence the FPTP system, however imperfect it may be, and the ability of parliament to change PM without an election. There’s nothing immoral in that continuity, only in the injudicious way your mentor named you as successor – before the Queen’s successor did so. It may be regrettable that the same names roll on from generation to generation but then it’s up to moralists and commentators to put their heads on the block and form a new party.

The Opposition demonstrates the limits of unity in diversity. The concept is too difficult for them to grasp – unsurprisingly when even the simple concept of a five-year parliament eludes them. All these calls for elections or claims they’re just around the corner – it must be the longest corner in the world... Still, anarchists might enjoy elections every year and unending chaos, with the voting age reduced to 12 to please Pote Paul. By-elections are always possible but how many MPS are prepared to resign their seats – and risk defeat, unless they’re planning a few shotgun weddings.

Mind you, thanks to the MBC, you haven’t got off to the best media start. Documentaries on PMs aren’t news items, except when the Ferryman rows their souls to Hades. As for the diatribe that followed on Monday night because of a namak haram…The lad’s already shot himself in the foot – it’s obvious he’d never have resigned if he’d got the post he wanted. It’s much better to let things settle overnight – and then let others speak of treachery. Mind you, much criticism of your old man is as irréfléchi. He’s been accused of allowing himself to be over-ruled by his colleagues. What could be a better example of democracy in action, surely preferable to a group of yes-men following their leader into Never-Never-Land or sitting glumly round a table listening to cobblers?

What should you do now? It’s so simple. Just carry out those aspects of the manifesto which brought the Alliance to power, like improving good governance. You could add a couple of other minor tasks, like a complete overhaul of the police force, the civil service and how schools, hospitals and local councils are run. With the economy, it’s enough to keep you busy for the next three years and could just get you re-elected. Mind you, it might be a good idea to forget about the DPP and take a look at the body that appointed him in the first place. Ask him over for a G&T instead – but take a good swig of WT&P yourself three times a day.  

Yours sincerely Epi Phron

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