To the Acting President, H E Barlen Vyapoory

Avec le soutien de

There’s nothing like a nice wedding to cheer everyone up. For all their little faults – like kicking people off archipelagos – the Brits are brilliant at organising ceremonial occasions. Even the MBC managed to televise the latest royal wedding, which makes up for the partial World Cup offerings, even if the viewing public may differ slightly. Not that many Greeks will be watching as they didn’t manage to qualify, but then nor did the Romans. Anyway, kicking a ball around doesn’t compare with the Ancient Olympic Games and it’s doubtful if many on Mount Olympos will be watching.

Women seem to be fascinated by wedding dresses and they’ll now be waiting to see when the first baby will appear, which can’t be for at least nine months or more, as teenagers are highly impressionable and fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. It does rather knock sideways the concept that men and women should have identical aspirations – it’s hard to imagine new fathers settling down in front of the tele to watch a royal wedding with a cup of tea and a plate of cucumber sandwiches.

In diversifying the economy, Mauritius might look at the Royal Family concept. Judging by the impact on British tourist and other businesses, it could be a good money-earner while waiting for the blue economy to take off. The problem amongst locals would be which family to choose. The Red Rose of Desforges Street, yet to declare his assets let alone any descendants, would be up against the Orange Rose of La Caverne, whose fortunes await confirmation, but that could produce a civil war that would make the War of the Roses look like a children’s playground fight.

The other political dynasties would be just as divisive. In fact, almost any Mauritian family would arouse communal feelings. A Brit might just be uncontroversial enough, especially as some homes still display pictures of the Queen, but few British families have settled here. Besides the House of Taylor doesn’t have the same ring about it as the House of Windsor. Apart from all the sailors and peasants, there may still be the odd count of French origin but memories of the slave trade are still vivid in people’s memories. So, it would be necessary to import a royal family. The obvious one, given that the country is named after Prince Maurits, would be the House of Orange, especially as some people think they’re already  associated with one of the country’s telecom companies. But who would come here from Amsterdam until there are a few “coffee” shops?

Greek royals would be one solution, especially as they’re currently unemployed and, if the gods came with them, they could establish just the one religion and send all the sectarian lobbies to any remaining sugarcane fields. Come to think of it, one of the demi-gods is apparently already here. Without being judgemental, anyone must be better than a politician, unless a statesman ever emerges. It would be best to have someone who would impress locally and internationally, who could become a tourist attraction with a fine chariot and a household cavalry. Mind you, you may have some bright ideas of your own on this.

By the way, the Greeks have quite impressive ceremonial uniforms although how many policemen could fit into a short fustanella is another matter. Still, it could make them gentler when extracting confessions – and wearing a skirt might make them less inclined to party with members of a house of drug lords.

Yours sincerely,

Epi Phron

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