To the one-time PPS, the Hon Kalyan Tarolah.

Avec le soutien de

Admirables and their educational aspirations, as expendable natural resources, are an eco-friendly way to boost economic growth. They’ll pay through the nose for higher studies, but not in the Arts, as the soul’s development is excluded from cost-to-income analyses. There’s little interest in Philosophy although those with a sense of effortless superiority will be glad to see that

Economics still flourishes. To broaden the scope of what’s available, there’s talk of establishing a Seminal Educative Xerotic Academy. To a doctor, xerotic may sound abnormally dry but ordinary mortals will understand its deeper meaning.

The moon’s better understood than human sexuality, so the Academy would get down to basics, starting with touching. Women often walked around arm-in-arm and men hand-in-hand, but nowadays that provokes disobliging titters. As for touching the opposite sex, it’s proving riskier every day, although the real danger of the times is virtual relationships. How are people going to become partners when smiling at each other may cause offence? There’s so much for the Academy to examine. There’s something wrong when teachers daren’t hug youngsters who’ve hurt

themselves without being suspected of sexual abuse, a charge hard to prove or to refute, and too often used abusively. The gods could be impartial witnesses but, with their track records, they’ll never testify.

Photography and drama would be included. The sight of Mr Weinstein emerging from his bathroom naked can’t have been a very edifying sight, so all would be actresses will be taught about hidden cameras. It’s amazing how much people are prepared to pay for little snapshots. Still, if Hollywood had retained the classical tradition of only male actors, would there have been a Weinstein? Mind you, I vaguely remember my statue being groped by an elderly gentleman when the concrete had hardly set. I probably gave him a stony stare but perhaps I should have been glad he’d had a happy moment. It may not be necessary for students to learn Greek but they’ll be given a good grounding in what went on in Ancient Athens, even if nowadays most of the gods would be arrested for sexual harassment.

A likely course is a degree in PPS (Politics, Philosophy and Sexology), a useful background for those wanting to enter the Assembly in a semi-senior position. Legal studies would be included in all courses, emphasizing the presumption of innocence, particularly as the notion receives only lip service. Case studies are readily available like the inappropriate reference to a gros vant in the Assembly. No-one noticed as anything can be said – in Kreol – once the court of popular opinion has delivered its verdict. There’re many paradoxes. Sexual liberation

is growing but so is a form of Puritanism that is as much anti-sex as anything. If that’s not confusing enough, liberal left-wingers join the Me-Too bandwagon while right-wing Bible-literalists elect a president prone to groping women. But then standard rules don’t apply to rednecks who ride a horse and carry several guns, as long as they go to church.

Given the institutions recognised by the TEC, course approval will be simple if SEXA manages to tie up with a university like Malmo or the DCU in Dublin. There may even be an opening for you as Director of Studies after you’re released from your parliamentary duties. What prospective students will most want to know, however, is whether there’ll be practicals. The trending view is that there’ll need to be more than many medical colleges currently offer.

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