Although you’re surrounded by loads of new-fangled technology, your role seems very similar to Pythia’s, prophesying what’s going to happen. After all, you’re both answerable to a Sun King. Pythia, incidentally, was the name of the priestess who interpreted the Delphic Oracle. Not being mortal, a new Pythia was chosen from among the priestesses when the old one wandered off to Hades. Apollo stayed put. But there was never an Acting Pythia. Acting seems very popular here, probably because of the intervention of loads of extraneous factors – and factions.

At least you and your senior colleagues appear to have relevant qualifications but, as political interference seems to have infiltrated into almost every corner of the public sector in recent decades, no-one’s sure when an appointment’s been made on merit or as a result of lobbying. That may explain why the Services often seem rather wayward in their predictions. With Pythia, you might get an ambiguous answer but at least it wasn’t contradictory. You see, wanting to show Zeus that not all modern inventions are retrograde, I’ve been consulting your website – although, with my pedigree, that took some doing. I was severely bamboozled by what I found.

In many respects the weather map doesn’t seem consistent with the daily forecast, but that may simply mean no-one’s quite sure what’s going to happen. Not that that’s blameworthy in itself as how can mere mortals possibly know what’s going on in Zeus’ head? Especially since Athena popped out of it. Incidentally, that may seem strange but it’s no odder than the various birth origins found in many religious stories.

You also have problems with your satellite imagery and synoptic charts, which sounds quite unpleasant. You might expect them to be updated daily but they’re not – and earlier this year the site was even completely down for a while. If the Meteo can’t even manage its website, what hope is there for accurate weather forecasting? Perhaps everyone’s been busy celebrating the New Year, although why is unclear – nothing’s really changed. The Donald remains determined to show he’s a rectal excretion, Mere Theresa still daren’t admit that Brexit is a terrible mistake supported by sentimental oldies believing Britain could still be a green – or even better white – and pleasant land, and local opponents remain happy to leave policy ideas to the government, as all that’s on their minds is how to negotiate a few tickets for the Pravind Express or its more Leger rival.

By the way, are Meteo staff consulted about the new roads that regularly spring up? After all Sieur Mungra, with his Masters in Hydrology, must have had thoughts about all this M3 business. Mind you, in a land that doesn’t understand what constitutes a real motorway – a major road that’s been specially built for uninterrupted travel over long distances – no wonder no-one has a clue what’s going on many feet underground. But then maybe those involved were more concerned about syphoning off something other than water courses.

Meanwhile, how’s the new radar system coming along? Nearly two years ago, the House was informed the project was due for completion by March 2018. That date seems rather close but nothing much has been heard about it recently. Perhaps it’s being kept under wraps as part of the 50th anniversary celebrations of Independence – even if it’s been dependent on Japanese support. If you’re authorised to speak about it, an up-to-date forecast would be welcome.

Yours sincerely

Epi Phron