“Hail the New Year, lads and lasses,” with a final look at La School…

Premises Manager. Has just taken over from an irascible predecessor with as much aesthetic sensibility as an oil tanker and who simultaneously let blocks of flats disfigure the school grounds and presided over the destruction of the surrounding countryside. The new man can only improve matters – providing he avoids populist measures like holding down tenants’ rent when many older outbuildings are decaying for lack of funds.

School Administrator. Seemed a clever move to take on someone from the private sector but the current post-holder seems to lack ambition. La School’s administration is overstaffed – and filled with underperformers – and there’s little time left before the SC exams. IT and other courses won’t solve the basic mindset problem; a few expulsions might.

Head of Financial and Governance Studies. La School showed commendable initiative in introducing this subject. However, the Governors seem to have picked another lemon for the post and, with no great commitment from any party, there’s been little progress.

Equality and Diversity Officer. All establishments now seem blessed with such a post, but how useful is it? Bullying in the playground is as much in evidence as ever, and not just amongst young gentlemen. The new post-holder has strength of character but no longer has time for the priceless social work she used to do, especially amongst poor prisoners. …and some of the count r y’s othe r notable establishments:

College des Villes Soeurs. A non-government school with a Montessori-style approach based on scientific observations of children from birth onwards. Engaged in an ill-conceived takeover bid in 2014 and pupil numbers seem to be haemorrhaging badly. The charismatic Head is getting on in years but has no obvious successor.

SSR School. Located in Cap Malheureux, The current Head believes himself irreplaceable, despite being thrown out of the staffroom for gross misconduct. Has sidestepped several lawsuits, leading to abhorrent and unsubstantiated claims of procedural irregularities. May regret claiming “le changement arrive” as his Deputy has taken to early morning dips in the swimming pool in preparation for a putsch – but is uncertain whether the front crawl or backstroke will propel him faster.

Sir Gaetan Duval Hotel School. The Head has been trying to attract a more socially diverse range of pupils – with little success. Formerly worked in the social empowerment sector, but did little for the disabled. Now, after a nasty car crash, is himself searching around for a pair of crutches. Needs to look where he’s going in future.

La Gaulette SSS. Used by Marathi-speaking parents in the West of the country but otherwise failing to attract pupils. The Head may soon seek to amalgamate with another institution.

Islamic Cultural College. The Head has fanatical support from a limited sub-section of the community but almost none in the common room. Recent exam results were abysmal.

May Flower College. The Head has some backing from parents for his dogged pursuit of greater integrity but his affection for discredited economic theories leaves people cold. Nonetheless, his voice would be useful in La School itself – if the way staff were chosen were reformed. He may be in his Nineties before that happens.

Rodrigues College. Sound progress under the current Head, who has run some useful pilot projects. Parents expect miracles of him but his training course omitted water divining, which could have come in handy. Nonetheless, seems streets above possible replacements – although this may be his final term.

Yours sincerely,

Epi PHRON