To the President of the US of A, Mr Donald Trump

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Although you’ve visited Greece while exploring a business venture, you’ve never made it to Mount Olympus, so I should explain it’s where the Greek Gods reside. You’ll have heard of Zeus, of course, but your studies probably never covered the spirits, like me, who represent human qualities and values. You ought to visit (there are loads of Goddesses), although don’t confuse it with Mount Athos, a place where women aren’t allowed. And there are loads of monasteries, probably not really your thing even if the religious right views you as a latter-day saint.

It’s even less likely that you’ve come across Mauritius, a tiny island floating somewhere off the African coast, but you’re regularly in the news here. Mauritians tend to like soap operas, preferably with plenty of intrigue. As there’s nothing exciting on local television, the current White House saga makes a good substitute. Incidentally, there’s only one TV station and it’s very supportive of the government, undoubtedly an enormous improvement on the American situation. As there are several ex-DGs, you’re welcome to consider one of them although, as they’ve mainly trained in the North Korean School of Broadcasting, you might find them of limited value.

However, there are plenty of other ways this country might be able to support you. As you prefer a disruptive style of management, we’ve identified just the right chap for you, guaranteed to wreak havoc whenever he opens his mouth. He’s recently expressed the desire to shoot one of his political rivals so he’d go down terribly well with your gun lobby. You’d have to lift your Moslem ban in his particular case but, after all, bans are made to be circumvented. He’ll get a good reference as the PM hasn’t found any other way to dispose of him without risking a by-election. Mind you, you could show our Pravind how to claim a staggering victory without getting most votes…

There’s a lot of sympathy for you amongst local politicos, as they always have problems with the press – at least when they’re in government – and even with their own press secretaries, who don’t last long here either as they don’t seem to understand how to sing their masters’ praises. And when they do, they choose an entirely inappropriate formula. Which makes me think of my Friend Raj, who’s had a spot of bother recently, all thanks to the media blowing up a scandal around a bag of chalk.

That may sound unbelievable but even Donald in Wonderland can’t compete with life here. In case he has to look for a new job, you might find him useful as a military advisor – he briefly held the title of General. He can be a bit of a loose cannon but that could come in handy in dealing with that maverick in North Korea, as you could deny any involvement if he dropped a nuke or two on a few launch sites. Incidentally, like your generals, he’s quite good at getting things done, a rare quality amongst local ministers. His predecessor managed to spend years in office without doing anything useful – at least not for the country.

But I must stop. I’m having trouble with my column inches, although I suppose that might be misconstrued as the kind of innuendo in which Aristophanes specialised. Still, there are a few more ideas I thought we might share, so I’ll be in touch again next week.

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